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    I've been waiting for you! (short horror story)

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    HorrorgirlBBTV

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    I've been waiting for you! (short horror story)

    Post by HorrorgirlBBTV on Sat Oct 19, 2013 10:15 am

    I've been waiting for you

    Have you ever had a dream, a dream that haunted you for days, weeks or even years? The 17 year old Jamila had these dreams ever since her 14 year old little sister Alice met her untimely demise. But Jamila will be surprised how real dreams can be.

    Darkness and a pair of red glowing eyes. That was all Jamila could see. "Stay!" A demonic voice yelled but Jamila knew better, she ran as fast as she could. The darkness faded and made place for a canyon, the canyon where Jamila and her little sister Alice camped when her little sister died. Jamila saw herself... and her sister, they were so happy back then. "Jamila, come out of the tent! It is beautiful here." Alice yelled. "Alice, let me sleep!" Jamila in the tent yelled. "Ugh, I shouldn't have gone to the party last night." She said softly. "C'mon! You will miss this beauty of nature. We have to leave tomorrow." Alice said and started tugging Jamila out of the tent. "Alice, if you don't stop now I will throw you off the cliff." Caper Jamila joked. "Okay okay. I will get out of the tent."
    "Great, so how about some breakfast? I have already made you coffee."
    "That sounds wonderful." Camper Jamila sits at the small camping table and Alice pours in the coffee and when she wanted to give Camper Jamila her coffee she accidentally drops it in her lap. Camper Jamila jumps up screams in agony. Alice grabbed a cup with water not realizing that it was hot. Camper Jamila screams even louder and Jamila looked at the scars the got from the burns. Alice finally got the right water and it cooled down Camper Jamila. She stopped screaming but she looked at Alice in pure rage. "CAN'T YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT!?" She yelled. Camper Jamila walked threatening towards Alice and pushed her closer to the cliff. "You burned me! I will never lose those scars you left behind." Camper Jamila hissed. "I didn't mean to burn you." Alice said with a small voice. "Yeah, sometimes we all didn't meant to do something, but that doesn't make it less wrong." Camper Jamila said and she pushed Alice very hard. Alice stumbled backwards into the ravine and fell to her death. Camper Jamila looked at the cliff and she saw her little sister dead. Jamila walked to the cliff herself and looked also looked at her dead sister. The red eyes came closer to Jamila. "Now it is your turn." it said with a demonic voice and it pushed Jamila off the cliff...

    Jamila jerked up, she was sweating. She looked around saw that her mom and her dad sat next to her bed. "Was I screaming again?" She asked. Her mom nodded and softly stroked her hair. "Are you sure you don't want to see a therapist sweetie? You might stop screaming in your sleep." Her mom asked softly. "This will be the last time I will scream in my sleep. I promise." Jamila said.
    "But that is what you always say."
    "Mom, I promise, this time it is true. Dreams don't return after all, do they?"
    But Jamila knew better. She has been having the same dream over and over again ever since her sister fell in the canyon. She couldn't shake the memory of seeing her sister down there. Completely mutilated and dead. "Can you go now? I can handle it myself." Jamila said to her parents.
    "But..."
    "No buts mom. Just go."
    Her father took her mother out of Jamila's room. When they left Jamila sighed relieved. She waited until her parents were asleep and dressed herself in her sweatpants and her favorite t-shirt. She slowly sneaked down the stairs and went outside. She walked to the beach to empty her head. "Why do I have those dreams?" She asked herself. She sat down and stared at the ocean when she suddenly saw her little sisters silhouette standing in the ocean. She stood up and ran to her little sister. "Alice! I thought that you were dead." Jamila yelled to Alice. "I've been waiting for you big sister." Alice said and she slowly turned around, Jamila could finally see Alice's face in detail. Her whole face was mutilated. Blood was everywhere and one of her hands didn't even have any flesh on it. "Feel guilty?" Alice said with a grimace on her face. "Alice. I didn't mean to push you off the cliff. It was an accident!" Jamila yelled and she fell to her knees, crying. "I am sorry!" Alice helped her sister on her feet and whispered in her ear:
    "Sometimes we all didn't meant to do something, but that doesn't make it less wrong." Alice pulled a knife out of her hoodie and stabbed Jamila in the abdominal area with it. Small streams of blood stained the sand at the beach while Jamila coughed up more blood. Alice slowly took the knife out of Jamila's stomach. "Now we are even." She said as Jamila fell to her knees again looking at all the blood. Jamila felt dizzy and her vision was blurred by the blood loss and suddenly... Nothingness. Jamila was dead. She lay in a puddle of her own blood. Alice, who's clothes were now not only stained with her own blood but also the coughed up blood of her sister, smiled evilly. "Sweet revenge." She said, she sat on her knees and turned her sister around. She took out her knife once more and cut out Jamila's heart. "This one gets a special place in my trophy room." She said and she took the heart with her deep into the ocean.




    Please comment what you think of it. If you like it, I will write more, If you didn't like it then please tell me what you didn't like about it. If you see any mistakes regarding spelling and grammar please leave them in the comments.
    Constructive criticism is welcome


    Last edited by HorrorgirlBBTV on Tue Oct 22, 2013 4:55 pm; edited 3 times in total
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    ForgottenMemories14

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    Re: I've been waiting for you! (short horror story)

    Post by ForgottenMemories14 on Sat Oct 19, 2013 10:23 am

    I'll try my constructive criticism here.

    The beginning, I feel that the first sentence "Have you ever had a dream, a dream that haunted you for days, weeks, or even years" should be followed with a question mark.

    Overall, I liked the detail attributed to this story very much. However, I wish that we could have had some back story about how her sister died. We know that she died from a fatal canyon fall, and that her sister Jamila is to blame somehow, but I feel like the creepiness aspect would be higher if we have a recapturing of her death, and we can really just know that it "happened".

    If you are into the total gory murder stuff, then I guess Alice's slaying of Jamila might have been a little bit more gory, but this is specifically your story.

    I did like this story however. It captured my interest within a short amount of time, and I appreciate hard work. ^.^

    E.J.


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    HorrorgirlBBTV

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    Re: I've been waiting for you! (short horror story)

    Post by HorrorgirlBBTV on Sat Oct 19, 2013 10:26 am

    Thank you very much. If I get an idea about how to do it I will edit this.

    This is pretty much a more detailed rough draft. It is not a finished story and I might add when I feel like it.
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    ForgottenMemories14

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    Re: I've been waiting for you! (short horror story)

    Post by ForgottenMemories14 on Sat Oct 19, 2013 10:28 am

    I look forward to seeing any draft you might bring here. Always great to improvise work. Smile


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    HorrorgirlBBTV

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    Re: I've been waiting for you! (short horror story)

    Post by HorrorgirlBBTV on Tue Oct 22, 2013 4:27 pm

    I changed the story a little
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    ForgottenMemories14

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    Re: I've been waiting for you! (short horror story)

    Post by ForgottenMemories14 on Tue Oct 22, 2013 4:36 pm

    The detail is great! Good job, it made me visualize this much better. Wink


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    HorrorgirlBBTV

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    Re: I've been waiting for you! (short horror story)

    Post by HorrorgirlBBTV on Tue Oct 22, 2013 4:56 pm

    Added a dream part, it tells the story of the death of Alice. Also, irony

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    Re: I've been waiting for you! (short horror story)

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